Banned from zoo.
Again?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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