My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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