Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
