She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
