I think i sorta joined a cult last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
