I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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