I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
