All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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