cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
