you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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