is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
