my phone cant type all the emotion im having
it glows. i had to have it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
