I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
