I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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