I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Do vagina's smell?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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