You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
