I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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