apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
