did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
