i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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