Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
