just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize