i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
