I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
