She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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