There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I love having hate sex.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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