based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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