i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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