I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
