So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
