remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have tasted many bathrooms
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
