My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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