Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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