So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dick very happy bro
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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