I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
