I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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