Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
