Its about making memories worth repressing
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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