but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
