I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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