Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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