I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
