i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
