Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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