There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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