Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
