so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I am mentally ready for anal.
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