so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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