I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
