When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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