My hand turned me down
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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