Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
3pm strippers are depressing
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
