i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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