You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
