my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
