med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
