You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
