Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
