My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
